What Are the Funniest Chuck Norris Jokes?

By Facty Staff WriterUpdated: Jun 28, 2019

While “Chuck Norris jokes” are intended to amuse, the hunky Hollywood martial artist is actually pretty awesome in real life. Here are some actual Chuck Norris facts to enjoy along with the jokes:

He hasn’t lost a fight since 1968.
He taught Steve McQueen Karate.
The first Westerner to achieve the 8th Degree Black Belt Grandmaster in Taekwondo and has black belts in Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, Judo, and Tang Soo Do.
He invented his own martial art out of boredom, called Chun Kuk Do.
He is a New York Times Best Selling author.

Chuck Norris facts about food

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

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Chuck Norris facts about animals

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
There is no theory of evolution. There’s only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.

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Chuck Norris facts about winning games

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris doesn’t play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.
If you spell “Chuck Norris” in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

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Chuck Norris facts about the great outdoors

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth.”
Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

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Chuck Norris facts about death

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
The leading causes of death in the United States are Heart Disease, Chuck Norris, and Cancer.
He who laughs last laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris… dies.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease.”

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Chuck Norris facts about sports

There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes; he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
When Chuck Norris plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.

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Chuck Norris facts about language

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun but a verb.
Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows: A swift roundhouse kick to the face.
“Depression” is actually a Latin term. Translated, it means, “You can never be Chuck Norris.”

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Chuck Norris facts about the human body

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe; he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris’s Blood Type is AK-47.
Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isn't foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad, he has never cried.
Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in all 50 states.

MRBIG_PHOTOGRAPHY / Getty Images

Chuck Norris facts about relationships

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
Chuck Norris cannot love; he can only not kill.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t say “who’s your daddy,” because he knows the answer.

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Chuck Norris facts about technology

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ laptop will crash.
Chuck Norris's keyboard has no “backspace” button. Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn't say, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris can never fill out an online form because he will never submit.

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