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Sometimes you just want to make someone laugh, but are short on time. This is where one-liner jokes come in. A surefire shortcut to laughter, they lighten the mood of the room and are guaranteed to get people giggling in seconds. You’ve probably noticed that one-liners are a favorite of comedians because they’re both easy to remember and razor-sharp.

Whether you’re looking for a witty wisecrack or a more traditionally structured short joke, you can find a one-liner for pretty much any occasion.

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One-liners about work

  • How does NASA organize a company party? They planet.
  • “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
  • I found a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters. It’s shift work.
  • As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  • Teamwork is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.
  • I cannot believe I just got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take one day off.
  • I was a bookkeeper for 10 years. The local library wasn't too happy about it.
  • A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
Fun at the office ferrantraite / Getty Images
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One-liners about relationships

  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  • My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
  • Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV.
  • I don't have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
Relationship issues AdShooter / Getty Images
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One-liners about sports

  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
  • The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
  • Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
  • When I get a dog, I'm going to name him Five-Miles so I can say I walk five miles every day.
Losing at tennis Orbon Alija / Getty Images
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One-liner insults and witty put-downs

  • Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?
  • There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
  • “My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.” - Winston Churchill
  • Looking at your face is like reading in the car. It’s alright for a few minutes, but then I start to feel sick.
so offended RapidEye / Getty Images
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One-liners about food

  • A lot of people cry when they're cutting onions. The secret is not to form an emotional bond.
  • I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Nice slice RyanJLane / Getty Images
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One-liners about everyday life

  • Velcro—what a rip-off!
  • The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, “This changes everything.”
  • I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
  • When my toothpaste dropped to the ground, I was crestfallen.
  • As the shoe said to the hat, “You go on ahead, and I'll follow on foot.”
Man about the house sturti / Getty Images
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One-liners about school

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
  • Writing with a broken pencil is completely pointless.
  • Don't trust atoms. They make up everything.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
  • Am I the only one who realizes that whiteboards are truly remarkable?
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard, and be evil.
Class dismissed LeoPatrizi / Getty Images
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One-liner dad jokes

  • I, for one, like Roman numerals.
  • Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
  • When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?
  • Hedgehogs, eh? Why can't they just share the hedge?
  • I asked my North Korean friend what it was like living there. He said he couldn't complain.
  • I hate Russian dolls; they’re so full of themselves.
  • You know what they say about cliffhangers...
Dad joke dispenser RyanJLane / Getty Images
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One-liner corny pick-up lines

  • Your name must be Pepsi because you are soda-licious.
  • I’m not a photographer, but I can picture you and me together.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
  • Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
  • I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
  • You're hotter than the bottom of my laptop.
  • I'm going to give you a kiss. If you don't like it, just return it.
miodrag ignjatovic / Getty Images
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Dark one-liner jokes

  • This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
  • I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
  • A soldier survived mustard gas in the war and was pepper sprayed by the police. He is now a seasoned veteran.
  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
  • Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
  • I have all the money I’ll ever need—if I die by 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.
Dark humor izusek / Getty Images

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